Satire: Sauk’s surplus saliva samples secretly supply sanitizers

By Brenden Parkins

         Each and every student here at Sauk Valley Community College has most certainly gone by the COVID-19 testing site at the campus and has likely had saliva tested for COVID-19.  The process is simple, spit in a tube and give it to the friendly attendants to have it sent out for testing.

         The real surprise begins at the end of the day, when the harvest of saliva is collected and individually tested for COVID-19.  As expected, the people that tested are informed of their results but it’s what is done with the tested samples after that point that draws attention.

        All of the saliva samples are sent to one of six different labs in Illinois, the most likely candidate being the lab located at Rockford, Illinois.  The first shipment of saliva that tested positive for COVID-19 is sent to a separate lab to be broken down into a simple formula designed with the elimination of the virus in mind.  After a process of blending, distilling, and a series of checks to make sure the virus is neutralized, it’s time for the next phase.

        Once the COVID-19 virus is confirmed dead, what is left is a clear solution that is extra efficient in killing other COVID-19 viruses and germs.  The solution is divided into two portions, one is sold to distributors and the other returns to the college.

         The anti-COVID solution is then added to our soap dispensers, the hand sanitizer pumps, the floor cleaners, the window cleaning soaps, and essentially any cleaning item that we use here at the college.  This helps alleviate costs to Sauk Valley Community College and the community as it was not so long ago that hand sanitizer was completely sold out due to the pandemic.

        That leaves what remains from the tests that came back negative for COVID-19.  The remaining saliva tests go through a similar distillation process but the end product remains more oily, perfect for use as a machine lubricant.

        This may leave many wondering why Sauk Valley Community College would need mass quantities of machine grade lubricant.  That answer lies within the instructors of the college, very literally in fact.

        If it hasn’t become obvious yet, the professors, instructors, and faculty here at Sauk Valley Community College are entirely inhuman.  That is that they are all in fact cyborgs, humans modified with machine parts.

        Each member of staff has an uncanny amount of durability, which becomes more obvious when a class has a large amount of actual human students attending, and they are able to hold their own from an onslaught of inane human questions.  Thanks to their cybernetic parts, the faculty can go months without breaks or vacation and their bodies are refreshed by the saliva based machine lubricant that is distributed to them.

        Each individual cybernetic instructor is given their own formula to deal with the physical stresses of college work.  Some label their solution as “Coffee” or “Tea” that they may become strangely attached to, or even agitated, when they have not had an adequate amount of solution for the day ahead.  The COVID-19 testing site provides our cybernetic instructors with a comforting and direct source.

        One of the more serious questions that lurks amongst those attending courses at Sauk is just how high up the corporate ladder this subterfuge goes.  The answer is simply that it does not stop, not even at the President of the college, Dr. Dave Hellmich.

        Dr. Hellmich has stated in personal letters to the Sauk Valley Community College website that students are reminded to regularly wash their hands with the on-campus, COVID enhanced hand sanitizer.  Dr. Hellmich likely approved the upgrade to the new café at the school to further boost his instructor’s performance.

        The tell-tale signs of a cybernetic instructor that has not had enough solution is very obvious.  “My back is sore from standing all day,”  some may say while others may talk about heading to the new café for a boost. 

          As a matter of fact, the school cafeteria has recently undergone improvements to facilitate faster infusions of lubricant to the faculty in the hopes of keeping things going smoothly and discretely.  The instructors needed a more reliable center for frequent fuel-ups that would not draw too much attention from suspicious students and the new café fits perfectly.

          Tom Irish, Assistant Professor of English at Sauk, has also been noted to have recently joined the food committee at Sauk and to have seen the improvements at the college cafeteria first hand.  Irish had previously visited the cafeteria before the upgrade but found the experience to be lackluster until the new café was finished. 

          The reason for this is that Irish, while not one of the newest models of instructors at Sauk, would require a sustainable amount of the lubricant in order to maintain optimal performance.  Irish likely requires less of the lubricant than the older models at Sauk, so it is also likely that any new instructors at the college can have impressive fuel upgrades as well.

          So the next time a student visits the COVID-19 testing center, keep in mind that those tests go straight toward keeping Sauk Valley Community College going each and every day.  Be aware that due to the cybernetic functions of the instructors, do not directly ask an instructor things that involve human emotions, such as “What is love?” as unless your instructor is philosophy certified, it may damage their circuitry.